Ranking the Friday the 13th franchise from worst to first
#6 Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
The first movie to star Kane Hodder as Jason, who made the character into a ruthless, brutal thug. And I LOVE it. God, I love so much seeing Jason just absolutely fuck people up. This movie almost got a fucking X-rating. Jason PUNCHES through some poor fucker’s chest, and THEN snaps his fucking neck. And then he gathers up the dude’s girlfriend in her sleeping bag, and BASHES HER AGAINST A FUCKING TREE like some kind of god damn cat in a pillowcase. THEN he fucking disembowels Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s! UGH! AWESOME!
Keep in mind, though, that this doesn’t entirely make up for the stupid plot.
This one was billed as “Jason vs Carrie.” Tina is a pretty pathetic, introverted telekinetic that accidentally killed her father with her powers when she was young. In his infinite wisdom, her shrink, Dr. Bernie, thinks that the best way to get her to get a hold on her powers is to go back to the place that her father drowned, which just so happens to be Crystal Lake. When she attempts to use her powers to revive her father from the murky deep (apparently nobody bothered to recover his body?), she unintentionally revives Jason, who has been chained to the bottom of the lake since the events of the previous film. Jason comes ashore, soggy as hell, and just makes Bernie, Tina’s mom, and the asshole kids in the cabin next door his bitches. Then Tina’s dad who, yes, is apparently still at the bottom of the lake (seriously, does the Crystal Lake PD not have search & rescue or something?) springs up and drags Jason back down into the lake. So, you know, that’s that. Brutal as all hell, but total nonsense.
#5 Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
I think aside from Part V, this is the sequel that could find itself in any seat on a given Top 10 list, depending on the author. This one started out in my list as #3. I’ve always treasured this one and put it above most other entries, but after some soul-searching, some dramatic rides on a motorcycle, and some sessions of looking longingly at some crashing waves, I decided to knock it back a couple spots. I kinda think the only reason I put it so high up is because this is the first film with Jason’s iconic hockey mask. And that’s important, don’t get me wrong. This movie created an icon. But I mean, other than that, there’s not a lot that is special about this one. It was originally in 3-D, but aside from an eyeball popping out, a harpoon coming at you, and a yo-yo bobbing up and down, there’s not much to it. Definitely just a stupid gimmick that gives you a headache. Kinda like today’s 3-D.
After staggering away from the brutal injuries he got in Part II, Jason steals clothes from a green grocer and then proceeds to kill the grocer and his ball-busting wife. Because nothing gets you back in the swing of things like a couple of fresh kills. He makes his way back to the lake just in time for Chris and her rag-tag band of friends to show up at her family’s lakeside cabin. Weirdest, most random group, by the way. A tool and his pregnant girlfriend, a tomboy with a chip on her shoulder, a roly poly loser that plays pranks to make friends (the loser part informs how well this tact works for him), and a man and woman that are basically a male/female rip off of Cheech & Chong. Anyway, Jason shows up and starts with the ki-ki-ki’ing and ma-ma-ma’ing. He chops the tool, who keeps doing handstands for some fucking reason, right in the dick. He pops some dude’s head, and impales a couple of fuckers with pitchforks. Not bad.
The one thing that irks me, and many others, about this movie is that Chris recounts a past run-in she had with Jason (and she lived? What?) during which, while not explicitly shown, it is heavily suggested that Jason tried to molest/rape her. Wtf? The guy that spent an entire previous movie offing kids that were just trying to hump is a rapist? Someone explain the logic behind this to me.
Regardless of the complaints, this is still a great movie that followed the lead of its predecessor by molding the legacy of Jason that we all enjoy today. It unseated E.T. as the #1 movie in America, and was just behind Poltergeist in grosses. Not shabby.
#4 Friday the 13th (2009)
“YOU PUT THIS ABOVE THE ORIGINAL?! BLASPHEMER!!!” is probably what a lot of you are saying right now. But you know what? Fuck you. How about that? I like this. This had just about everything I want out of a F13 film. And yes, it’s a Platinum Dunes remake. I know (#fuckmichaelbay). But it was still pretty good. You had idiot millennials getting laid to waste by a big hulking fucker in a hockey mask. What more do you want? The story was a bit thin, sure. But it wasn’t a bad story. And really, how much do you care about the story in a Friday the 13th movie as long as it makes sense?
Whitney and her friends go camping to look for some bomb ass cheeba growing in the woods surrounding Crystal Lake. Jason doesn’t like people fucking with his stash (probably) and lays them all to waste…except for Whitney, who someone in casting decided looked like the actress that played Pamela Voorhees earlier in the prologue. Jason spares her and keeps her captive in his underground lair. About two-ish months later, Trent and his gang of Abercrombie & Fitch friends are headed out to Crystal Lake for some shootin’, snortin’, poppin’, drinkin’ (Black Sheep…get it? No? Nevermind.) and of course, some fuckin’. The meet up with Sam from Supernatural who is looking for his sister Pamela, er, Whitney. Sorry, they just look so much alike! Hilarity ensues and Jason summarily executes just about everyone that shows their face on screen.
It’s not perfect, not by a long shot. Like I said, the story’s thin, none of the characters are particularly likeable – even the ones we’re supposed to like – and the kills could have used a little more imagination. But some of the kills were pretty bitchin’. The axe to the back was particularly good. And the cast played their parts well, fleshing out there roles in the standard group of slasher film cannon fodder. Some were actually pretty funny, like this guy…
Also it had a sex scene that was seriously, so juicy, dude. I don’t care what anyone says, this one definitely deserves its spot in the Top 5.